Tending Your Garden of Friendship

Would you describe your circle of friends as competitive or supportive?  Do your pals show up or disappear during a crisis? Do they talk behind your back?

More than ever, sociologists and health professionals are studying friendship and how it impacts our physical and emotional well-being.

A cover story in the May issue of Prevention titled “How Healthy Are Your Friendships?” claims that having a sturdy social network can improve the odds of surviving cancer and reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease.  According to Prevention reporter Melissa Daly, not having close bonds can be as bad for you as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.  

Even if we’re not social butterflies, most of us can list several people who enrich our lives in some way. There’s the neighbor who collects our mail while we’re on vacation; the colleague who offers job leads; the soccer mom who brings an extra thermos of coffee to the games. And if we’re lucky, we can top that list with a couple of best friends who’ll answer our phone calls after midnight when we’re worried about a biopsy.

Some best friends aren't forever

Along the way, we’re also likely to encounter a few promise-breakers, drama queens, snipers, rivals, show-offs, critics, freeloaders and emotional blackmailers, notes Jan Yager, Ph.D., a sociologist who has researched the topic of friendship since the 1980s.

In her best-selling guide, When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You (Fireside; $14), Yager describes the 21 types of toxic friends -- from the “Blood-sucker” to the “Controller” – and explains how to deal with them. The most durable friendships, she discovered, are always reciprocal and can usually weather minor transgressions. 

Flipping through my old photo albums, I’m reminded that many of the sweetest friendships I’ve made were built on the shifting sands of proximity. Like a box of chocolate truffles, some of those relationships weren’t meant to last. Still, I remember them fondly, just as I remember childhood homes and first loves.

Years before my husband and I married and moved to Royal Oak, for instance, I had several best friends in the south Oakland County neighborhoods of my youth. Over time I’d lost touch with most of them; yet thanks to the miracle of Facebook, I’ve enjoyed several online reunions with my Clawson High School alumni.

Former coworkers who once shared office space and lunch hours also spring to mind. I count one of my first editors and his wife among my closest family friends now, but most of my professional friendships faded each time I changed jobs.

Then there were my son's grade school days, when I volunteered for field trips and befriended a group of like-minded parents -- including a troop of moms who braved rainy Cub Scout camping trips with dozens of muddy little boys. Though we made some happy memories then, today our kids are grown and we've all moved on.

Time to nurture or weed out?

Intimate friendships aren’t easy to sustain in a highly mobile, work-driven culture like ours. And if we're not mindful, even our strongest relationships are bound to wilt from neglect.

“It’s definitely harder to keep up with friends when you’re raising a family,” said Pam Rusinowski, a Royal Oak resident and mother of three. “However, I can’t imagine raising my children without the support, encouragement and love of friends. Friends are a lifeline some days.”

While the Internet helps bridge the gap between long-distance friends, Rusinowski finds that online communication doesn’t replace good old-fashioned phone chats or face time. “There’s nothing like a voice on the other end of the line,” she added.

Likewise, close relationships thrive on small favors and special attention. Your best friend shouldn't have to remind you that birthday cards, silly presents and other thoughtful tokens of affection are fuel to the bonfire of friendship. 

On the other hand, as Yager and other experts point out, sometimes it’s necessary to weed out friends who make us feel used, bullied, shortchanged or compromised. 

“When I pay attention to my feelings, I know when people are draining my energy,” said Cindy Hampel, a Royal Oak resident and author of It’s Not Personal: Lessons I’ve Learned from Dealing with Difficult People (Orange Sun Press; $14.95). “If someone consistently tries to make me feel guilty or afraid, then I'll just seek out other people who treat me more reasonably.”

Keeping in touch

Once we hit midlife, most of us realize there are only so many years left for the pleasures we’ve postponed – including more time with friends.    

Four years ago, I learned one of my hardest life lessons while watching my beloved uncle lose his three-month battle with pancreatic cancer. The terminal diagnosis was made on his 65th birthday. Retired from Chrysler, my uncle had looked forward to spending long afternoons on the golf course with his best buddies – but ended up in hospice instead.

Which is partly why I agree with the experts who advise making friendship a priority, even when we think we don’t have time for it. The more stressed out or overbooked we are, the more we need to reconnect with emotionally supportive people.  

So, call your best friend or look up an old room mate. Check in with a neighbor you’ve been meaning to phone for ages. Plan a lunch date, throw a potluck, or meet some pals for a round of golf.  Make time for the treasured friends who’ve been there for you – and think of them as good health insurance.

Cindy La Ferle's award-winning Royal Oak story collection, Writing Home, is available on Amazon.com.  For more information, visit Cindy La Ferle's Home Office.