Is He Worth Your Time?

Most women that I have known whose purpose for dating is to eventually meet their future husband make every attempt to make sure that they don't bypass a potential spouse.  The fear of missing a "sign" and ending up alone and regretting an inability to see the forest for the trees is ever present in some women's minds as we enter our mid-twenties and prepare to cross the thirties threshold.  This is not to say that men don't also start to focus less on the "good time girls" and keep an eye out for someone they can settle down with. But as we all know, the unfairness of biology allows men to truly take their time to an extent that is not available to women who hope to have children one day.

Unfortunately, that can cause some women to dilute their standards while dating in hopes that they can in essence speed up the process of finding the one.  Ironically, by doing this women can inadvertently prolong the process by giving too many second chances to men who have already shown their true colors.

My favorite quote from the poet Maya Angelou is "When a man shows you who he is believe him the first time."  In other words, don't dismiss words and actions that raise red flags such as a man who shows that his interest in you is less intense and meaningful than yours.  How can a woman know when a man is worth her time?  There is a way that is easy and works.  

First, do what we women do best, if or when the opportunity presents itself make casual conversation without expectations but of course put on your listening ears.  It should start out with something a subject as mundane as the auto show.  Take note of whether the conversation is one sided or if he asks you questions as well and makes attempts to find out more about you.

Perhaps the best way to describe a man's pursuit is to describe the opposite.  When a woman is interested in a man she listens intently to what he says and tries to subtlely draw out more information.  That includes information about his past, how he sees his future unfolding, his likes and dislikes, his family and educational background and of course what type of woman he typically finds attractive.  

With every piece of information we pick up we do a self-check to see if we fit his preferences and if not how we might tweak things to better our chances.  Once we're committed any opportunity to show a characteristic or personality trait that we think will endear him to us like cooking him a meal and delivering it when he mentions in passing that he might not have a chance to grab something to eat is sought and treasured.  When holidays arrive, we go back in the archives of our mind to pick out those likes that he told us about and purchase something that we think he will appreciate.  We are open, sometimes overly available and hopeful in our anticipation that more opportunities will come about.  

A man who desires a woman's interest in him will do some combination of the same thing that was just described above.  Except he will do it FIRST and without being prodded, and regard the woman's gracious acceptance of his attention and permission to continue as more than enough during the initial stages of a relationship.

When we beat a man to the punch so to speak by trying to escalate the seriousness of a flirtation beyond casual small talk it strips the challenge of the pursuit.  The pursuit is not about some old fashioned sexist belief that only men should express their interest.  Instead, letting a man lead the pursuit is essential to a woman observing whether he is willing to make an effort to win her hand in the future.  It is more difficult to detect true potential if we're the one who is busy chasing him.  And remember, women tend to want to know what's in it for her at earlier ages and stages than men. However, this does not mean that a woman shouldn't reciprocate a man's flirtation, gifts, etc., as a way of showing him that the feelings are mutual.  

It is not difficult to recognize that a man does not have a desire to marry the right person in the near future but would just like a physical interaction.  But if we are distracted by our own pursuit of him through constant initiation of calls, texts, and planning our next move, then we can easily miss the fact that there is a mismatch in goals between the man and woman.  When there is a mismatch a man shows he is comfortable with the courtship entering a stagnant cycle of constant flirting and going out with no progress or discussion beyond short term plans and physical intimacy.

Instead, you as the woman must look for clear indications from the man you are interested in that he means to focus on you and only you as described above.  Or alternatively, you should look out for the message that he is not going to focus on anyone but himself so that you can put him in the friendly acquaintance category and move on quickly.  Because it is usually the woman who wants to know the answer to questions like "where is this going?" and  "what are his intentions?" before becoming physically intimate.  This is a way to find those things out by just doing something as simple as being patient and observant.  Casual conversation will eventually elicit what is important to the man you are interested in e.g. career, finding himself, casually dating or family and settling down.  

Sure, you might say that if you just ask a man in the beginning he may tell you his intentions and that should be enough.  What I am proposing here is that if you gradually engage him and get to know him as described above, you more than likely won't have to ask bluntly.  He will volunteer the information, during his pursuit of you because he will want you to know.  That will make it much more meaningful because it will mean he has been thinking about it and wants to make sure you know.  Plus you will avoid the potential of seeming demanding and needy.  And if he doesn't pursue you after you establish a level of comfort with each other during casual conversation, then he is not that interested.  What a person does, be they man or woman, will always be more indicative of the seriousness of what they claim to want than what we say.  That is why I always recommend that women Trust But Verify.  In my next post I will discuss how to enjoy being alone without being lonely as a singleton.