Is Etiquette Old Fashioned?

One my favorite English Teachers from high school use to say: “I’m old fashioned, because I AM OLD.” And she was; old fashioned. I never knew exactly how old she was. She retired after my senior year so I am assuming she was in her early to late 60’s. We remained friends until she died in 2001. I digress. I feel like I am getting a little curmudgeonly and old fashioned, and I’m really not all that old. Maybe “getting” is an exaggeration. Maybe I’ve always been a wee bit old fashioned.

Lately, I’ve been obsessing and thinking about etiquette, manners and “thank-you” notes. Actually, the lack thereof. I know in this digital age, the written word has taken a back seat to email, texts and tweets. But, I am pretty sure that etiquette is still quite clear: nothing beats a hand written thank-you note. And while, this might be an old-fashioned sentiment; I still feel quite strongly that when I give a gift – it should be acknowledged with a thank you note.

Part of my problem, is that I was raised by a wonderfully “old-fashioned” aunt; who believed that if you enjoyed receiving the gift; you must acknowledge the giver with a thank-you note. So, after each birthday, Christmas, confirmation, graduation, etc. etc. I promptly sat down to write the sender of the aforementioned gifts a hand written thank you. My aunt coached us on what to say: “tell Grandma what you did with that $5.00 – she would like to know.” And she was right. The old people (and many of the young) in my life enjoyed receiving the notes; and continued to send the gifts! Of course, you shouldn’t write the note in hopes of getting another gift – you should write the note because it is the right thing to do. My kids are growing up with the same value; and while they complain about writing the notes, my response is always the same: “did you enjoy the gift? Then you need to let __________ (Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle, Aunt, Cousin) know. They’ll appreciate hearing from you – and they might remember you again next time.”

Over the past year I have attended 3 weddings; giving generous gifts at each (granted, what I deem generous maybe the couples did not). Out of the 3 weddings I attended, I only received one thank you note. I thought maybe thank you-notes were “passé” and I just didn’t get the memo. So, I looked it up (on the internet, of course). Emily Post has a web site! (Well, it’s probably not Emily, but her great granddaughter). This is what Emily says about wedding gifts:  “Each wedding gift should be acknowledged with a written note within three months of receipt of the gift. It’s best to write the notes as soon as possible after gifts arrive, however. Write a note even if you have thanked the giver in person.” I would just like to say, that the one note I did receive was very sweet and personal and thanked me for coming to the wedding and how much it meant to the bride and groom (I use to babysit the groom 100 years ago). One of the weddings I attended was across the country, so it took me some effort and expense to attend. And while the newly nuptialed couple seemed to appreciate my gift: no note.

Also, over the last year we have probably received 2 dozen invitations to high school graduations/open houses. We, of course, couldn’t attend every one – but we always sent a card with a check. Out of the 24 or so invites we received (and gifts sent), I would say we received about 8 thank you notes. So, once again, I turn to Emily. She says: “When it comes to congratulatory gifts or cards, anyone who sends a present, or a card with a personally written message, should receive a note in return.” What Emily doesn’t say, and what I think is: if you can sign your name to cash the check I’ve sent, you can write a 2 sentence note to thank me for the gift of money. But maybe, that’s just me.

I am quick to admit that I am particularly sensitive to thank-you notes; I have to wonder if I am being unreasonable in my expectation of acknowledgement? My husband argues that we do not give the gift with the intent of receiving gratitude; we give the gift because we care about the person and want to wish them well. A thank-you note is just a bonus. He and I agree to disagree on this one.

I feel that we are pretty generous, giving gifts of congratulations as well as season sporting event tickets when we cannot use them. I don’t expect a formal thank you every time we do something kind for someone; but an acknowledgment of some kind, even a “hey, thanks for thinking of us” text message is better than nothing at all. Last Spring, we gave a friend of ours 4 tickets we could not use to a Tigers game. She took a picture of her family at Comerica Park and texted it to me saying “we are having a great time. Thanks so much for the tickets.” That made my day, knowing that our tickets were put to good use by another family enjoying a beautiful day at the ball park. It took her probably less than 2 minutes to complete that gesture; but I guarantee you I’ll think of her the next time I have tickets to give away.

Emily writes (or someone who is Emily now): “it’s never wrong to send a written thank you. And people always appreciate getting “thanks” in writing. Why? Handwritten notes are warmer and more special than other forms of thank-yous. The rule of thumb is that you should send a written note any time your receive a gift (even a ‘thank you’ gift) and the giver wasn’t there to thank in person.”

In all fairness to everyone, I was not raised by Emily Post, or one of her relatives, but I was raised with the expectation of impeccable manners. There was never an excuse for “forgetting your manners”. Manners are free, the do not cost anything. No one is ever going to say “Did you see that kid? Her flawless manners were really irritating. What a little snot.” Even when I’m dropping kids off after carpool, I’m thinking “you’re welcome” because I rarely receive a “thank-you.”  I’m not keeping score, or am I? I guess, I kind of am.  While a postage stamp does cost .44 cents, in my book, it is money well spent. I won’t start saying “I’m old-fashioned because I am old”, but I’m thinking it, all the time.

www.emilypost.com/communication-and-technolgoy/notes-and-letters/99-thank-you-notes-to-send-or-not-to-send