What are we going to do about bullying?

This Friday CBS’s “48 Hours” is airing a special titled “Bullying – Words Can Kill”.  If you have a child you should watch. I’ve read many articles and studies on bullying, and yet many parents still believe bullying is being over diagnosed and isn't that big of a problem. Until your own child is bullied it might be easy to believe that it is "over diagnosed" or a "made up epidemic".

Growing up, I was not bullied. I wasn't a “Queen Bee”. Or a “Wannabee”. I had lots of friends from all different "sub groups", from the jocks to the burnouts to the preps to the gay boys who didn't know they were gay at the time. Heck, I even went on a "date" with a gay boy. I don't ever remember being cruel or unkind. I know I probably was at one time or another, but I don't remember.

What I do remember is this. In 1st or 2nd grade I picked on a boy at our elementary school named Delano Johnson. Our school was very socio-economically diverse. There were kids who lived in apartments and trailer parks to kids who lived in big beautiful lavish homes. We had kids whose parents were professors at Michigan State, to kids whose parents were absent or maybe in prison. I can't remember making the distinction between these groups. We were all kids; going to school. However, Delano was an easy target.  I remember telling him that he smelled. His clothes probably hadn't been washed in days, and bathing was not a priority. I don't know that he had a Mom in his home. What I remember more about Delano was his big sister. One day after school I was picking on him and his sister had come to fetch him, from Jr. High or High School. He told her that I was being mean. And she came up to me and asked me "who do you think you are? You don't know anything about us. Now leave him alone."  That happened almost 40 years ago and yet remains with me. I remember the hurt in her eyes, and the anger. And Delano looking down at the ground. Now, I know what I saw was courage. She stood up and told me to stop. She didn't bully back or beat the crap out of me - which she could have easily done. She told me to stop. And I did.

And so, all these years later I am thrown into this bullying debate because my son has been bullied. Not to the extent that some kids have encountered. He hasn't attempted suicide; as some kids have (and many others succeeded).  He doesn't suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, as some kids have. I don't have to keep him home from school, as some parents must. He's remarkably resilient. He recognizes bullying and stands up for himself and others. I know that he's going to grow into an incredibly empathetic and compassionate adult; because he recognizes how he wants to be treated and chooses to treat others. And yet each time an incident occurs - another chunk of my heart is torn out and stomped on.

Rosalind Wiseman, the author of "Queen Bees and Wannabees" has said that bullying is the social justice issue of our generation. It was once racism; which we have not eradicated - but she says that bullying is a manifestation of racism and homophobia. Doesn’t it go back to the golden rule; treat others as you would wish to be treated? It seems so very simple; and yet we have kids killing themselves because they are different and are afraid they will be rejected or not loved. How crazy is that? The complexities of bullying continues to stupefy the best and brightest professionals. School districts struggle with the issue or turn a blind eye. No one really has the answer. Good kids are afraid to get involved. Good kids bully. Good kids stand by and watch it happen.

I did not grow up in a particularly progressive family. My Dad never discussed "issues" with us. After our Mom died my brothers and I were left to fend for ourselves much of the time; and yet we had a very involved and caring extended family who stepped in whenever needed. In looking back I was surrounded by adults who led by example. They stepped in when they saw a need or a wrong. They addressed unruly behavior. They enforced good manners and how to treat others. Everyone took care of everyone else. And still, homophobic slurs were commonplace in my home. Never knowing that my own brother was struggling with his sexual identity. By using those slurs, I was hurting him without even realizing.

What is the answer to bullying? I believe that much of this behavior begins at home. Whether it be acceptable forms of racism, sexism, weightism, or homophobia. If it’s okay to call someone a “retard” or a “fag” at home; then that behavior will translate to school. I tend to believe that what you learn is what you live. At the same time, I’ve known some really good kids bully other kids. So, once again, the home environment is not always to blame. My son has referred to other kids as "retards". This coming from a “neuro-atypical” child. I consider myself to be so wise and progressive, and my own son was using a word I abhor.

But maybe, what we need is a dialogue. A beginning. To say "we have a problem" what can we do about it? To recognize that this big wonderful world just a majestic fabric, we are the threads that create the fabric. We must have fat threads, thin threads and crooked threads, and threads that hang over the edge, and rainbow threads and black and yellow and and and and....

I am no saint. I make mistakes in life and relationships. I have treated others poorly and have been embarrassed by my behavior. I wonder, whatever happened to Delano Johnson? Does he remember that little red-headed girl that was so unkind to him at Elliott Elementary School in Holt Michigan? I hope that as he has grown into a man, he has forgiven me my cruelty.

I’m thrilled that Royal Oak Schools is partnering with Beaumont Hospital to create strategies against bullying. I’ve been speaking about bullying at PTA and School Board meetings for years trying to gain support for a State Law against bullying (Michigan is one of 3 states yet to adopt such legislation). Last year, at one such meeting, I had an administrator in this district show me a copy of the policy against bullying in a procedure handbook, telling me that we do have a policy against it. I’m well versed on the policy; but until it works, and they can assure us that bullying doesn’t exist in our schools, I will continue to fight and advocate for those who cannot. I hope you will choose to do the same. You can begin by watching the “48 Hours” special and visiting these websites:

www.bullypolice.org

http://thebullycideproject.com